I love you anyway.

This afternoon, when you settled into the pups’ place, you had such a strong body memory of other times you’ve been here. This house has held so much joy for you. These pups are so playful and snuggly and sweet – Herbie and his love of walks, Charlotte and her love of being burrito’d in a blanket. This house has held some pain for you, too. These good, sweet, perfect puppers have snuggled you through some bad days.

Scott has also been here, in this house, with you for those hard times – walking the pups when your fibro was so bad a few years ago and you weren’t really mobile. Splitting the time over longer stretches so you can be at home with the kids some of the time. Even after you moved out. Even after everything changed in ways you hadn’t planned for. Still, Scott has been here in this house, helping with this delightful work of caring for these pups.

And, the surge of memory that came this afternoon, while you were sitting across the table from Scott, eating the traditional Delicious Thai “first day at the puppers” meal (pad see ew, tofu for you, chicken for Scott) – that one terrible spring and summer when you were making plans.

You said, “I will give this three months of sincere effort, and if I don’t feel better by then, I am going to end it.” Sitting at that same table. Sitting across from Scott. And Scott nodded. They are a solid rock in your life. An anchor.

You did give it three months of sincere effort and you did start to feel better and you did not need to end it.

I am sorry that you have felt so lost in your own life, so many times.

I am sorry that the threads you hang on by are so thin sometimes, so ephemeral.

I am thankful that you have support, internally and externally. Scott wasn’t the only one you told. You have multiple people who can be trusted with the gloomiest bits of yourself. Lucky one.

I am thankful that you are so determined, and that when it gets bad enough that you’re making plans, you make plans that include the opportunity to change the plans.

I am thankful that, although many things in your life have changed in the last few years, your love of animals has not.

I am thankful for these pups, and for this house, and for safe spaces (physical and relational) to fall apart.

Love,
Me

#100loveletters #tenderyear #dailypractices